...these are my musings

I become indescribably dependent on music to get me through things. All the thoughts blazing through my head, makes thinking things through ergonomically impossible. Until I find the song that reduces my mental fatigue and organizes my thoughts for me, I'm numb and despondent. Its a bittersweet thing... Upon becoming once again mentally attune, I then have to deal with my regrets. For which music then becomes my dearest friend, once again.

I'm not good at dealing with other people's regrets. There is no song for that. I don't like when other people's regrets stonewall the peaceful nature of my life. Especially when they exhibit their regrets violently and accusatory. If you regret something, isn't it something you wish YOU didn't do. I mean, I can't regret what someone else did. I wish there were a song that said "Hey buddy, it's your regret!" That would be my song for today. And I'd play it on repeat.

I have secrets. I think everyone does. I'm of the mindset that secrets are kept to prevent pain, to escape guilt, or to be mysterious. Today i learned that it's your own damn fault if you let someone in on a secret and they blast you. It just means you're retarded for trusting them with your secret.

Now I have to go deal with it.

Tonight, in my contorted emotional state, I excused myself for a walk – hoping the fresh air would clear the junk thoughts from my head. We live on a little peninsula that jets out into the marina and it’s perfect for taking walks where you end up precisely where you started – like a giant circle… Well, the weather can vary from one side of the peninsula to the other, especially at night. On this night it was overall pleasant except for the area that is exposed to the mouth of the marina… It was windy as all hell. My recently discovered malevolence for wind irked me. “However,” I pondered, “so does life in general sometimes.” So I plopped my big, pregnant, irritated and tearful self down in what seemed to be the point of convergence for all things windy, bound and determined to find something good about it… about something… anything.

The tethered ropes on the masts of every boat flapped furiously, bells and clips clamored, buoys whined as the boats leaned into them. The sound was like an orchestra of abstract sound, warming up before the grand performance. I watched the seagulls flap their wings with determination against the current. It was impossible to just coast on the breeze…not that some didn’t try. It was just awkwardly futile…nothing more than idly sitting in one place while looking purposeful. All of the overcompensation required for trying to take the easy way was almost painful to watch… the teetering and tobbling and being thrown off course- out of current… whipped upward or downward. I saw myself there. Letting the winds of life get the best of me all the time. Trying to coast my way through my obstacles haphazardly…without intention. I realized the difference between the seagulls that were successfully maneuvering through the wind and those who weren’t plainly laid in their intention… their destination. The victorious ones knew where they wanted to land… and they were doing everything in their power to get there. They were biting the bullet, facing their obstacles head on, changing course as needed, but always a relentless pursuant of their destination.

I didn’t arrive at a resolution for my own struggles… But I did find another avenue to acknowledge them on. Who really knows where I will finally land, but I do know that sometimes finding the start of your path is just as important, and the journey can change you forever.

Thanks for being part of my journey…

I'm a dreamer. You'll learn this about me, if you stick with me... Once I had a dream that someone I care about fell from a really high cliff. I was at the bottom and I knew that I was meant to catch the person. I tried and I failed. I woke up gasping for air because of the grief and the panic and I burst into tears in the face of my worst enemy: Failure.

Failing and the fear of failing is where all my insecurities come from. Its why I've made poor choices. Its why I'm so hard on myself. It's why it hurts so deeply when someone is mad at me or even disappointed. I've never really thought about it on purpose before today.

I know people who have failed, and it still is somehow beautiful. Its like they screw up royally and the whole world bends to restore them, making it seem wonderful and acceptable to mess up. I don't fail beautifully. Its like a train wreck. People just stare and then look away in horror and I have to fight through layers and layers of wreckage just to feel acceptable again.

This happens even with seemingly unimportant mistakes. It happens on the inside of me, where no one else can see whats happening. And I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so dramatic... I mean, afterall, its just a mistake, right? So I just internalize it, and outwardly become anxious.

Its been like this since I was a child. Its the reason I've been a people pleaser. Its the reason I hate conflict. Its the reason I try so hard to fix things. Its the reason I do everything I can to keep things from needing to be fixed. I'm waiting for the day it will shrink away just like other fears have.

I've spent most of my days resisting the ever changing factors which shape my life. I think this is more common than people might think. For in all of us, is an instinct to try to keep control over the things that matter most. To protect what is valuable. To keep it close and out of harms way.

Recently for me, an unraveling has occurred. Like a ball of yarn thrown down a stairwell kind of unraveling. Bouncing to and fro, too quick for me to catch it. And now, the mess is all that's left. There is no neat and tidy ball. Just a tangled up, knotted mess, with no beginning or end in sight.

There is a peculiar sense of awe in the things of life. Even in the things which seem to matter the least in the grand scheme of things. There is a lesson to be learned everywhere, in everything, if you have the eyes that can see it. In my resistance and nonacceptance of what simply IS, I've lost the wonder and excitement of growing through heartache and despair. I've been robbed of happiness and peace. And have stared blankly into a lost abyss, clinging to my fear of change.

Well, change is upon me... and i will embrace it... Life is my Muse.