...these are my musings

I'm a dreamer. You'll learn this about me, if you stick with me... Once I had a dream that someone I care about fell from a really high cliff. I was at the bottom and I knew that I was meant to catch the person. I tried and I failed. I woke up gasping for air because of the grief and the panic and I burst into tears in the face of my worst enemy: Failure.

Failing and the fear of failing is where all my insecurities come from. Its why I've made poor choices. Its why I'm so hard on myself. It's why it hurts so deeply when someone is mad at me or even disappointed. I've never really thought about it on purpose before today.

I know people who have failed, and it still is somehow beautiful. Its like they screw up royally and the whole world bends to restore them, making it seem wonderful and acceptable to mess up. I don't fail beautifully. Its like a train wreck. People just stare and then look away in horror and I have to fight through layers and layers of wreckage just to feel acceptable again.

This happens even with seemingly unimportant mistakes. It happens on the inside of me, where no one else can see whats happening. And I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so dramatic... I mean, afterall, its just a mistake, right? So I just internalize it, and outwardly become anxious.

Its been like this since I was a child. Its the reason I've been a people pleaser. Its the reason I hate conflict. Its the reason I try so hard to fix things. Its the reason I do everything I can to keep things from needing to be fixed. I'm waiting for the day it will shrink away just like other fears have.

I've spent most of my days resisting the ever changing factors which shape my life. I think this is more common than people might think. For in all of us, is an instinct to try to keep control over the things that matter most. To protect what is valuable. To keep it close and out of harms way.

Recently for me, an unraveling has occurred. Like a ball of yarn thrown down a stairwell kind of unraveling. Bouncing to and fro, too quick for me to catch it. And now, the mess is all that's left. There is no neat and tidy ball. Just a tangled up, knotted mess, with no beginning or end in sight.

There is a peculiar sense of awe in the things of life. Even in the things which seem to matter the least in the grand scheme of things. There is a lesson to be learned everywhere, in everything, if you have the eyes that can see it. In my resistance and nonacceptance of what simply IS, I've lost the wonder and excitement of growing through heartache and despair. I've been robbed of happiness and peace. And have stared blankly into a lost abyss, clinging to my fear of change.

Well, change is upon me... and i will embrace it... Life is my Muse.