I'm a dreamer. You'll learn this about me, if you stick with me... Once I had a dream that someone I care about fell from a really high cliff. I was at the bottom and I knew that I was meant to catch the person. I tried and I failed. I woke up gasping for air because of the grief and the panic and I burst into tears in the face of my worst enemy: Failure.
Failing and the fear of failing is where all my insecurities come from. Its why I've made poor choices. Its why I'm so hard on myself. It's why it hurts so deeply when someone is mad at me or even disappointed. I've never really thought about it on purpose before today.
I know people who have failed, and it still is somehow beautiful. Its like they screw up royally and the whole world bends to restore them, making it seem wonderful and acceptable to mess up. I don't fail beautifully. Its like a train wreck. People just stare and then look away in horror and I have to fight through layers and layers of wreckage just to feel acceptable again.
This happens even with seemingly unimportant mistakes. It happens on the inside of me, where no one else can see whats happening. And I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so dramatic... I mean, afterall, its just a mistake, right? So I just internalize it, and outwardly become anxious.
Its been like this since I was a child. Its the reason I've been a people pleaser. Its the reason I hate conflict. Its the reason I try so hard to fix things. Its the reason I do everything I can to keep things from needing to be fixed. I'm waiting for the day it will shrink away just like other fears have.
Failing and the fear of failing is where all my insecurities come from. Its why I've made poor choices. Its why I'm so hard on myself. It's why it hurts so deeply when someone is mad at me or even disappointed. I've never really thought about it on purpose before today.
I know people who have failed, and it still is somehow beautiful. Its like they screw up royally and the whole world bends to restore them, making it seem wonderful and acceptable to mess up. I don't fail beautifully. Its like a train wreck. People just stare and then look away in horror and I have to fight through layers and layers of wreckage just to feel acceptable again.
This happens even with seemingly unimportant mistakes. It happens on the inside of me, where no one else can see whats happening. And I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so dramatic... I mean, afterall, its just a mistake, right? So I just internalize it, and outwardly become anxious.
Its been like this since I was a child. Its the reason I've been a people pleaser. Its the reason I hate conflict. Its the reason I try so hard to fix things. Its the reason I do everything I can to keep things from needing to be fixed. I'm waiting for the day it will shrink away just like other fears have.
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