TIMES...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010 8:55 AM Revealed by schatzibug 0 comments
"The times which define us, and the people we encounter in those times, never leave us. We'll rejoin them again, when time no longer binds any of us." - K.MacDougall

I'm never certain. About anything really. I consider myself to be very perceptive and insightful. More than most people, I can see things which are either hidden or yet to exist. Compared to the innocuous backdrop I imagine everyone else lives their lives in front of, what presents to me is a psychotropic tornado of possibility. I'm so often caught up in it.

There are moments where I feel time does not hold me. Its walls seem to bend and even vanish in certain circumstances. I don't always make the right choices in those moments. And when I can't breathe because the weight of uncertainty becomes unbearable, I hope desperately for Time's ability to contain the flickering fracas in my life to suspend me.

He never left me. I was never wrong. It just was a lack of understanding the times. Wrongly perceiving each other. But, somehow, we've moved through the years, still heading the same direction. The space between us is closing.

"Do you believe in fate?" - I believe in the ability to surrender to a predestined order. But I think mistakes can be made. You can choose Fate's journey, or you can choose your own path. I'm ready, so so ready to surrender...and be free once and for all from the desire for time to string things together for me.


MEMORIES

Tuesday, May 18, 2010 7:00 AM Revealed by schatzibug 0 comments
Its weird, the memories you keep. All the small fragments of life that seem to drift away into the recesses of my mind have only managed to accumulate in the space where dreams are born. In haunting persistence, a time in my life swarms my dreams in an ostentatious fashion. There are faces and moment and laughter I thought I'd long since forgotten. Somehow your mind keeps things quite hidden until a time when you might need it. And it does this without consent, or even knowledge.

I found my kindergarten crush on facebook. I would have never even thought of him were it not for the keepsake my mind opted to share with me while I slept. And even still, I didn't see a face or hear a voice. It was just a glimmer of the past shining on the present. Seeing his picture...I wouldn't have recognized him if he were to stand in front of me. I can't even remember what he looked like as a child.

What memories are being stored secretly now? What kind of thing does my mind find worth keeping? Will I one day out of the blue, recall the balloon that now hovers lazily just inches off the floor? - Is it the mundane? In 20 years, will I dream of the beautiful face that I lost my good friend to? - Is it the heart-wrenchingly tragic?

Its weird, the memories you keep... and how they can lead you, inspire you, and break you.

Connecting

Monday, May 10, 2010 10:56 PM Revealed by schatzibug 1 comments
There are so many different ways to be connected to people. I find myself in a cosmic tailspin over people I cannot connect with. Its like the vortex of impossibility has somehow latched onto my better judgment and swallowed my soul.

There is one person in this world who I've tried too hard to connect with. We'll call him Matt. That is his name afterall. Matt has been like an addiction for the better part of 13 years. What our "connection" lacks in pleasantries, it makes up for in abhorrence. It is as if we were each born to incessantly drive the other to our worst behavior. Absolutely nothing comes of it. We aren't friends, we aren't foe's, we are simply prison-mates in a purgatory of disconnect. It's maddening, but our separation is also our connection.

But with Matt, it came along as I suspected it would...the purposeful leap off of the nauseating merry-go-round of ineffective relating. We equal nothing more than predictable silent conflict and temporary kindness. Nevertheless, in one way or another, there was a grief in the termination. I suppose we both wanted some sort of thanks or apology. Neither of us got it. As for me, I won't scramble after him… Not this time. I will sit still and wait for the spinning sky to come to a stop and think of all the strange memories that make me both smile and feel deeply ill. And when the spiraling ceases, I'll blow kisses into the wind, cross my fingers and grow. That's Matt.

Girlfriends are different. I'm generally not that good at cultivating relationships with girls. I don't have the patience or the stomach for the wishy washy emotional bullshit that girls drag around with them. I can barely deal with my own. Its a genetic allergy I have. I've given up the aggravating attempt to surround myself with girls with whom I can relate. You can't force a girlfriend-friendship. They either happen or they don't. If they don't, its best to let a sleeping dog lie.

I've had a small handful of girlfriends in my lifetime. That's been enough for me. I appreciate the girlfriends I have. Death stole one away from me. The best one. And I often wonder how different my life would have been if our connection had remained tangible; if I had been able to continue from that age, being myself; if part of who I was hadn't died with her. I'm fortunate to have been given another friend who has become my best one. And I'm thankful to feel the love of the friend I've lost around me all the time.

I've been commissioned to "be friends" with some people. It appeared that I failed. Miserably. It wasn't necessarily a matter of lack of commonality. It was lack of cohesion. Polar energy that kept me from connecting. There is no fault in this. The connection wouldn't be worth the effort.

Some people are just delightfully easy to connect with. There seems to be a clearly marked path, right into each others lives and even differences of opinion manage to deepen the bond. This is rare, but I believe every person has a magnetic pull to a soul friend, whether you find one another or not. If you don't, you won't know the difference. If you do, a light will shine in your life that will change you forever. In this life, and the next.

The bottom line is, the best way to connect is organically.

The Word Fuck

Monday, May 3, 2010 1:17 PM Revealed by schatzibug 1 comments
I say this a lot. I'm not trying to be vulgar. I hate that. When people think I'm just trying to be a potty mouth. I say it because I want to, and because it fits into my sentence the right way. Its a filler. Or an exclamation. A declaration. ...Like "Fuck! a fuckin' wasp fucked up my fucking arm."

It just sounds better than, "ouchie, I got stung by a wasp." I don't see what the big deal is about. Sometimes I choose not to say it. But I usually will. It just comes out without thinking about it.

So sue me.

Fuck!

ENEMIES

Saturday, May 1, 2010 5:48 AM Revealed by schatzibug 0 comments
I woke up this morning around 3am with this thought in my head: "I am my own worst enemy." At that hour, its hard to make sense of anything, let alone something so infinitely broad. I thought about what could possibly be true about that statement, which would cause me to think it. There are a few things that I do that annoy me. But I wouldn't go so far as to say, I'm making an enemy of myself.

In fact, it takes a special will-power for me to entertain the idea of having enemies. I've maneuvered through life effectively enough to not have any of my own, and find a certain pride knowing that I've never been one. Even still, I'm affected by the concept of this... afraid actually.

Even the title sounds dangerous: Enemy. It sounds like a shadow hangs over it and venom runs through it. It feels cold and sharp and determined to inflict unsuspected harm. If I have an enemy, I think I'd prefer not to know, especially if it turns out that I'm my worst one.