There are so many different ways to be connected to people. I find myself in a cosmic tailspin over people I cannot connect with. Its like the vortex of impossibility has somehow latched onto my better judgment and swallowed my soul.
There is one person in this world who I've tried too hard to connect with. We'll call him Matt. That is his name afterall. Matt has been like an addiction for the better part of 13 years. What our "connection" lacks in pleasantries, it makes up for in abhorrence. It is as if we were each born to incessantly drive the other to our worst behavior. Absolutely nothing comes of it. We aren't friends, we aren't foe's, we are simply prison-mates in a purgatory of disconnect. It's maddening, but our separation is also our connection.
But with Matt, it came along as I suspected it would...the purposeful leap off of the nauseating merry-go-round of ineffective relating. We equal nothing more than predictable silent conflict and temporary kindness. Nevertheless, in one way or another, there was a grief in the termination. I suppose we both wanted some sort of thanks or apology. Neither of us got it. As for me, I won't scramble after him… Not this time. I will sit still and wait for the spinning sky to come to a stop and think of all the strange memories that make me both smile and feel deeply ill. And when the spiraling ceases, I'll blow kisses into the wind, cross my fingers and grow. That's Matt.
Girlfriends are different. I'm generally not that good at cultivating relationships with girls. I don't have the patience or the stomach for the wishy washy emotional bullshit that girls drag around with them. I can barely deal with my own. Its a genetic allergy I have. I've given up the aggravating attempt to surround myself with girls with whom I can relate. You can't force a girlfriend-friendship. They either happen or they don't. If they don't, its best to let a sleeping dog lie.
I've had a small handful of girlfriends in my lifetime. That's been enough for me. I appreciate the girlfriends I have. Death stole one away from me. The best one. And I often wonder how different my life would have been if our connection had remained tangible; if I had been able to continue from that age, being myself; if part of who I was hadn't died with her. I'm fortunate to have been given another friend who has become my best one. And I'm thankful to feel the love of the friend I've lost around me all the time.
I've been commissioned to "be friends" with some people. It appeared that I failed. Miserably. It wasn't necessarily a matter of lack of commonality. It was lack of cohesion. Polar energy that kept me from connecting. There is no fault in this. The connection wouldn't be worth the effort.
Some people are just delightfully easy to connect with. There seems to be a clearly marked path, right into each others lives and even differences of opinion manage to deepen the bond. This is rare, but I believe every person has a magnetic pull to a soul friend, whether you find one another or not. If you don't, you won't know the difference. If you do, a light will shine in your life that will change you forever. In this life, and the next.
The bottom line is, the best way to connect is organically.
There is one person in this world who I've tried too hard to connect with. We'll call him Matt. That is his name afterall. Matt has been like an addiction for the better part of 13 years. What our "connection" lacks in pleasantries, it makes up for in abhorrence. It is as if we were each born to incessantly drive the other to our worst behavior. Absolutely nothing comes of it. We aren't friends, we aren't foe's, we are simply prison-mates in a purgatory of disconnect. It's maddening, but our separation is also our connection.
But with Matt, it came along as I suspected it would...the purposeful leap off of the nauseating merry-go-round of ineffective relating. We equal nothing more than predictable silent conflict and temporary kindness. Nevertheless, in one way or another, there was a grief in the termination. I suppose we both wanted some sort of thanks or apology. Neither of us got it. As for me, I won't scramble after him… Not this time. I will sit still and wait for the spinning sky to come to a stop and think of all the strange memories that make me both smile and feel deeply ill. And when the spiraling ceases, I'll blow kisses into the wind, cross my fingers and grow. That's Matt.
Girlfriends are different. I'm generally not that good at cultivating relationships with girls. I don't have the patience or the stomach for the wishy washy emotional bullshit that girls drag around with them. I can barely deal with my own. Its a genetic allergy I have. I've given up the aggravating attempt to surround myself with girls with whom I can relate. You can't force a girlfriend-friendship. They either happen or they don't. If they don't, its best to let a sleeping dog lie.
I've had a small handful of girlfriends in my lifetime. That's been enough for me. I appreciate the girlfriends I have. Death stole one away from me. The best one. And I often wonder how different my life would have been if our connection had remained tangible; if I had been able to continue from that age, being myself; if part of who I was hadn't died with her. I'm fortunate to have been given another friend who has become my best one. And I'm thankful to feel the love of the friend I've lost around me all the time.
I've been commissioned to "be friends" with some people. It appeared that I failed. Miserably. It wasn't necessarily a matter of lack of commonality. It was lack of cohesion. Polar energy that kept me from connecting. There is no fault in this. The connection wouldn't be worth the effort.
Some people are just delightfully easy to connect with. There seems to be a clearly marked path, right into each others lives and even differences of opinion manage to deepen the bond. This is rare, but I believe every person has a magnetic pull to a soul friend, whether you find one another or not. If you don't, you won't know the difference. If you do, a light will shine in your life that will change you forever. In this life, and the next.
The bottom line is, the best way to connect is organically.
May 15, 2010 at 9:46 AM
Great thoughts. I don't think real friendships are given the credit they deserve. At least not until you grow older and start losing them. I am sorry for your loss but hope that the dear ones in your life now, stay with you.