...these are my musings

Today I watched someone walking on a painted line. I started to get annoyed at their obvious lack of concern about staying exactly on the line. I kept imagining the end of the line... a place I often wish I could get to...and how this person would NEVER get there walking the line the way they were. I watched her feet turn outward, and after a few steps, she was completely diverted and off course. She was oblivious to my scrutiny of course, but perhaps she felt the slaps upside her proverbial head that I was giving her. "god! PAY ATTENTION!" I kept wanting to tell her. "You're gunna look up at some point and realize that there is no guideline." Then it hit me. I don't have a fucking guideline.

Mine used to be religion... Christianity. And not that I miss it... AT ALL, but I've been procuring my advances in life sporadically. I just stumble forward... Never really have I gotten my balance since then. Its like the terrible Paula Abdul lyric "Two steps forward, two steps back"... I don't get anywhere! I'm this girl who darts off the line not really aware of any goddamn thing.

But is this even bad? I mean, now that I think about it. Isn't not having a guideline and winging it, a "way" of sorts.... If I land at the "end of the line" on my head with 90 broken bones and drunk... didn't I get there! Isn't that what matters anyway?

Yeah... i don't know either.